A BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER
We used to joke, “a brother from another mother,” but now it’s a “real” thing. On December 7, 2023, I received a message from a first cousin once removed. Her father, may he rest in peace, and my husband were first cousins. They were born the same year, and, as teens, they worked and roomed together for two summers at a camp.
The message that I received was from a woman married to another woman. They each gave birth to their sons with the participation of a sperm donor. Her message reads: “Hello Sharon! I am writing as I have a moment and guessing that you are still doing genealogy work. I am unsure how this will fit in, but we have been in contact with some of our children's donor siblings. We all used the same sperm donor through the Sperm Bank of California. I have no idea if that info would be relevant to our tree and how to also respect confidentiality. When the oldest of the sperm donor children is 18, they are able to reach out to the donor."
My initial response was, “Yes, 35 years and counting doing genealogy work. What you wrote is fascinating and I really think that you should submit to a publication. It’s something most people don’t know or think about. I’ll have to ponder more about how that would fit into the family tree. Thanks for educating me. Enjoy the holidays with those cuties!!”
Backtracking, I once wrote a piece about the dilemma of how to identify my cousin’s child in our family tree after the said child underwent “reaffirmation [reassignment] surgery.” It read: “From black and white television shows to color TV, and carbon paper to desktop printing, technology keeps evolving before my very eyes.
Back in the 1950s, when I was in “grammar school,” the original name for elementary education, we learned about nonbinary as a term in arithmetic.
Using new or revised language, terminology, and acceptance is one thing. That is not the subject here.
Since 1988, when my husband and I had our first child, my focus has centered on tracking and documenting our family histories.
With the help of a family tree program, the data was easy to store on our computer. Similar to current-day iPhone updates, yearly family tree program updates are offered.
When my cousin living in Israel became delayed in illustrating a children's book, which I commissioned her to do, she commented that she was in the hospital caring for her child. The child I knew as her daughter, she explained, was undergoing "reaffirmation surgery." While wishing my cousins well, it caused a dilemma for me.
The fact that the completion of my manuscript became delayed is one thing. The real problem, however, is determining how to correctly identify my cousin's child in the family tree program, which doesn't contain an option for inputting gender reaffirmation in someone's file. As it turns out, instead, it’s possible to list the child with their new name and as male and keep a note in the file to clarify any confusion.
Gay marriage, transgender, nonbinary, and whatever comes next, not only society, but the family tree programs need to keep up with change.
After completing the query letter about the dilemma of documenting a transgender relative on the family tree, I decided to hold off submitting it for publication until I figured out if others dealt with similar experiences. I am now curious how family tree software will handle that issue, plus the technical input of this "new" information concerning documenting siblings from other mothers.