HOW CAN WE BE SO CLOSELY CONNECTED AND DISCONNECTED?

Pictured in an undated photograph are my father’s first cousins, Anna “from the farm,” with Raya visiting from her home in Ukraine at my Aunt Cerna and Uncle Jerome's house in Hillside, New Jersey. The photo begs the question, how can we be so closely connected and yet disconnected?

My father’s first cousin who lived in Pennsylvania, known to the family in New Jersey as Anna “from the farm,” had three children who lived to adulthood. We referred to her that way to distinguish her from Raya’s sister Anna in Los Angeles, another first cousin to my father, whose name was actually Anuita but we referred to more often as Anya.

Unexpectedly, yet happily, I was contacted by a great-grandson of Anna from the farm (look for my upcoming blog post at sharonmarkcohen.com, You’re Basically My Family Google, dated April 30, 2024). After responding, as a starter, by sending him the picture taken at my aunt and uncle’s house, I pondered why the family became disconnected. What happened in the intervening years and why didn’t the future generations stay connected?

Aside from my father and his older brother Morris, many of their cousins were also born in Ukraine. Raya, her sister Anna (aka Anuita or Anya), and Justin’s great-grandmother, Anna from the farm (See “Anna From the Farm”, dated January 1, 2019, at sharonmarkcohen.com), pictured so happily sitting next to Cousin Raya at my aunt and uncle’s house in Hillside, New Jersey, were all born in Ukraine.

Born on the 9th of October 1913, in the Village Volosivka, near Chudnov, Ukraine, Cousin Raya lived in Ukraine all her life. She passed away in Charkov, Ukraine at the age of 90 on May 1, 2004. During her lifetime, she made three trips to the United States. Without any fanfare in Ukraine, she informed only her sister-in-law Masha (also my father’s first cousin -on his mother’s side and Raya, on his father’s side - Raya was married to Masha’s brother and a generation back, we were all cousins since my grandparents were first cousins before marriage) of her true journey to the States and not a vacation in Moscow, as she told her neighbors. She visited in 1975, 1977, and 1988. The dates stayed stuck in my mind, for it was always a dream come true when she visited.

Anna from the farm attended my 1975 wedding and was at my aunt and uncle’s house in either 1975, 1977, or 1988; the picture is undated. Referring to my family tree, I have Anna from the farm’s death date as Feb 7, 1985, at age 80. Therefore, we last saw her in 1975 or at the latest, in 1977.

My Aunt Fannie may have driven to “the farm” to visit her dear cousin after that date, but I’m unsure. I do know that she spoke with her on occasion. That I learned from “kitchen talk,” when my aunt and my mother discussed the past week’s family calls.

Getting back to Justin, while we did get to meet him and his brother Nathan on May 1, 2023, and we do keep in touch via email, we are eager for the day when we get to meet the rest of their family. Their parents and maternal grandmother, Gracie, my second cousin, the youngest of Anna from the farm’s three children, live in eastern Pennsylvania.

I only met Gracie’s elder sister Dorothy one time, at the untimely death of a cousin. Their brother Bernie died prematurely while living in Las Vegas. My family recalled last seeing him at his 1948 bar mitzvah in the Philadelphia ‘burbs before I was born.

Moving from my family to my husband’s, there were, for example, Cousins Frane (short for her formal name Frances, pronounced Fran) and Joel. Frane’s mother was a first cousin of my father-in-law and Frane remembered many visits to the home of my husband’s grandparents in Elizabeth, New Jersey, traveling as a youngster with her parents from her home state of Virginia.

We first met Frane and her husband at their home in Florida in 2011, after years of trying to find them. (See I Look Forward to Tuesdays and Wednesdays, dated August 11, 2020, at sharonmarkcohen.com and Rejuvenating a Family Bond by Sharon Mark Cohen, published on April 19, 2018 in the Jewish Link). Unfortunately, we never met their children.

Being with Frane and Joel always entailed a full day of relaxed reminiscing. The loving couple never argued about anything. Frane said she told Joel when they married that there was nothing they couldn’t work out by talking about it and that was how they lived their long lives.

We only wish that Frane and Joel would have introduced us to their children and grandchildren so that there would be that thread of continuity. They spoke about them to the point that we feel as if we know them, but we doubt they would know who we were if we contacted them.

Sadly, neither of their two daughters nor their son, informed us when an aging Joel passed away from a broken heart, 11 months after his dear Frane. I found out after an email to Joel bounced, which caused me to look for an obituary online that I sadly came upon.

We have many pictures of us with Frane and Joel in Florida and they will be missed. Since the COVID pandemic, we did not travel to Florida for several years. Otherwise, they would have been on our “must-visit” list when we were in the Sunshine State.

Through Frane and Joel, we met Frane’s first cousin Jim, his wife Terry, and Jim’s brother Howard. Interestingly, finding Jim, another second cousin in the Cohen clan, was how I made the connection with Frane. (See my blog post at sharonmarkcohen.com, Timing is Everything, dated March 5, 2019).

Frane’s December 2021 update was filled with exciting family news. She wrote: “The Gainesville contingent [meaning her grandchildren and family] will be here tonight for about a week!!! We are so excited. They will all be here with us Monday for a lox/bagel, etc. brunch.

“Unfortunately, the Texas contingent [their granddaughter and her husband] cannot convince the entire U.S. Airforce to allow Waylon to leave for a few days, so he and Hailee have to tough it out until spring break (April, I think), when they will be here for a week or so and we will have a baby shower for them among other activities. Their baby (they want to be surprised) is due mid-June. Hailee was nominated and awarded Teacher of the Year in her school; now she is nominated (along with others) for that title from her School District. She feels very honored to be nominated for the second year in a row by her peers.

“We are looking forward to so many great family "happenings" this coming year including Harry graduating in May with a Business degree from University of Central Florida in Orlando and Jesse graduating in May as a Physician Assistant from University of Florida in Gainesville.

“[Grandson] Garrett's wife, Kayla has been recruited to go back to college for her Doctorate for which they will give her a Fellowship and other benefits; she will be resigning her teaching job to return to UF as an Adjunct Professor while pursuing her new degree. Matt [their son] is in the process of moving into his new home in Ridgefield, CT - his kids are all busy in 4 different States!!! Samuel is in Connecticut interning for a new position at Merrill Lynch; Janie is a EMT in Delaware; Olivia is completing her courses in grad school in Boston, for her teaching license; Riley is doing extremely well at the Fashion Institute in NYC (according to his professors).”

That family news excerpted from an email from Frane shows just how “connected” we became with that family, only to lose the connection when Frane and Joel passed on since there was no meeting with any of their offspring while they were alive to make the introduction.

Frane and I had such a strong liking that my notes show, “Joel called on Feb. 19, 2022, with the sad news that Frane passed away yesterday from complications of a fall in their apt. 7 weeks ago. Weeks earlier, he called to tell us she was in the hospital (at Frane's request)…” To think that I was one of the people she wanted Joel to notify when she was in the hospital gives me goosebumps.

When she read the first half of Kitchen Talk, written by me about my children’s total ancestry, Frane wrote, “OMGoodness Sharon - the minute i read this email i "clicked" and i'm on page 199 - …love the book… gave me a total sense of peace.” Frane followed up with a second email, “…thrilling to read about our family - however...i've ignored Joel long enough - closed the book...and going to ‘find’ him in our small condo -

my reading to be continued...

love the book

love you both

frane”

Sadly, Frane injured her shoulder and her recovery barred her from reading more. She died at age 85 on February 18, 2022, following another injury. Thus, to my dismay, she never had the chance to finish reading Kitchen Talk.

To know Frane and Joel was to love them. Just read excerpts from their obituaries:

Words from the obituary for Frane show:

“With a tribe of family and friends that draws from every decade of her long life, Frane will be remembered as the very best of souls. She was our matriarch, an inspiration, role model, teacher, mentor, supporter, warrior, survivor and true friend. She gathered people into her circle and never let them go. It is now up to us to let her go in peace and continue her legacy of kindness, friendship and love.”

As for Joel:

“With a tribe of family and friends that draws from every decade of his long life, Joel will be remembered as the very best of souls, a true mensch. Joel was an avid fisherman, bowler, poker player, and Civil War Round Table member. He never lost his sense of curiosity, his desire to learn and his ability to make people feel welcome and heard. He was our patriarch, an inspiration, role model, teacher, mentor, supporter, warrior, and true friend. Let us honor him and continue his legacy of kindness, dignity, friendship, acceptance and love.”

After doing my “detective” research and finding Joel’s obituary, upon reaching out to Cousin Jim, he replied, “Yes, the news hit really hard and we miss them both very much very very much.”

Even after notifying their daughter of the tribute we made in Joel’s memory, there seems to be that “disconnect.” We received a nice thank you note but nothing about the times we spent together with their parents as a family or the desire for any continued relationship.

Moving to my mother-in-law’s side of the family, Miriam, a first cousin of my mother-in-law’s, visited my mother-in-law, and her sister, with her three children before moving to California in the 1960s. That was the end of the connection until we made a special effort and met Miriam’s grandniece in California in June 2023. (Stay tuned for She’s Our Second Cousin, Once Removed, dated July 2, 2024, at sharonmarkcohen.com.)

Elissa was the first of the cousins from that branch of the family tree whom we had the fortune to meet. While Miriam, her husband, and their three children are all deceased, we are in communication with her son-in-law and some of her grandchildren. We are hoping to meet several of them on our next trip to California.

Where is the disconnect? Often, it’s the demise of a generation, other times it’s merely geographical distance. I could go on and on with the family connections/disconnections going back on all sides but the fun part is brought out in my blog posts showing when we reconnect and fill in the blanks of the family tree together.

For those leading busy lives and not interested in having a relationship with long-lost cousins, too bad, they could be missing out on lots of family lore and good old-fashioned fun times. In the meantime, I’ll keep filling in all the blanks on the family tree puzzle and leave as complete a paper trail as possible for all future generations yearning to know their family history.

As Cousin Lois S., the daughter of my mother-in-law’s niece remarked to me, “Thank you for your keen interest/attention to our family’s past and keeping the family tree current… Future generations will be grateful for your efforts.” Amen.